Conflict

1) What is Conflict?


According to the book "Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships" it is stated that “contrary to popular belief, conflict is not a bad thing. It is, in fact, a healthy display of each individual’s uniqueness, free will and boundaries.” [1] It is also believed that conflict helps us learn and grow! [2] Studies also show according to the book that unlike to conventional wisdom, “happiness is not the absence of conflict. Happiness is the ability to handle conflict in a positive way. [3]


(2) How to be understood;

The way a person communicates with another can be misunderstood and it all comes with the reason that the way you communicate may not get through to the person you are talking to as their way of receiving information in their brain is different to how you receive and absorb information. In the book “Peace Talk” it has an example, ‘if you are talking to person X and s/he seems to be listening. Don’t be fooled.
Even if s/he is paying attention, there are chances are your way of expressing
yourself is not hinted to the way his/her mind processes information’.
According to these studies ‘there might be an even bigger gap between your ‘sending’ and X’s ‘receiving’ abilities if the message also contains certain emotional components.’[4] This means ‘the person you are talking to may not be in sync with your communication technique’. [5]

There is a way to help X really ‘hear’ you, and ‘avoid any misunderstanding
or partial understanding, you need to find out first what ‘language’ (i.e. thinking and communication style) makes the most sense to him/her.’ [6] this means you need to change words around that they can understand, make it more simple, maybe they are visual learners and its best to show visual examples or even make comparisons and metaphorical examples to help them understand, and asking them for a basic summery of what they understood can also help clarification.

In this book, it states that even spend ‘just a few minutes listening to person X (i.e. playing ‘mind detective’), it won’t be necessary to spend many hours of possible miscommunication, urging, and other nasty goings-on later.
While listening to person X during those few minutes, you will find out what
form of communication s/he is most comfortable with.’ [7]
There are many types of ways people choose to communicate ‘some people express themselves through stories or sketch. Some prefer to ‘cut to the chase’ straight away. Then there are those who like to analyze every thought like myself, or go off on tangents. Others prefer to hear ‘just the facts,’ and ask questions later.’ Therefore, you need to listen to person X first, you will be able to talk to him/her in a way you can e heard and understood. [8]


So as you are trying to work out and "mirroring" person X's communication style,
you are also listening to his/her explanation for being in conflict with you.
This information, combined with your Peace Talk™ problem-solving
skills, leads to prolific brainstorming and this way you improve relations. [9]


3) Essential Communication Skills

Have conflict avoidance through understandable, confident communication.
Be secure, successful, truthful, have non-threatening, and blame-free confrontation.
Both people have to listen and be a mind detective.
It takes two to tango so it needs to be two-way problem resolving communication. [10]


4) Preparation is the key to managing conflict well and resolving it successfully.

• Conflict always spawns anxiety. It’s best to expect it, accept it, and resolve it by focusing on your conflict resolution skills, not your emotions or on
imagined undesirable outcomes. [11]

• Conflicts can only be resolved, by just facing them and adopting safe confrontation skills first. [12]

• It does take courage and resolution to start confrontation. Some people like to postpone it. Others feel frozen at the prospect of confronting either a person or a situation. [13]

• Keep in mind: Anxiety and fear restrain both thought and communication. [14]

• It is important, therefore, to prepare well previous to opening a conflict resolution process.[15]

• To avoid ‘choking up,’ ‘blowing up,’ or ‘giving up,’ you need to be
focused, patient and have communication and conflict resolution skills. Above all, you need to be
READY!
REHEARSED!
RELAXED! [16]






References:

Picture was taken by google under ‘conflict’ on page 1: http://www.shelbycounselingassociates.org/clientimages/33040/conflict.jpg

[1] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[2] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[3] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[4] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[5] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[6] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[7] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[8] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[9] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[10] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[11] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[12] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[13] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[14] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[15] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.
[16] http://peace-talk.com/_wsn/page3.html : Excerpted from the book
"Peace Talk™-- A Guide to Harmonious Relationships"
by Dina Eliash Robinson.

Picture of two men shaking hands is taken from google under “conflict resolved” on page 1
http://www.bianchi-group.com/images/handshake1.jpg